This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: August 2, 2019
It was mad hot. So we bought 2 water guns, filled them up, and walked up to people and tossed them one.... just to see if they were down for a quick water gun fight..... let's see happened 😂😂😂🤷🏻♂️ pic.twitter.com/Kcnu1gmFGK— Josh Roth 🔫🔫🔫 (@_jRoth) July 27, 2019
Emily Blunt: fuck me— inkedupandsonic (@sonictyrant) July 28, 2019
Emily Subtle: come up for coffee
The Guardian released a map of the area in Canada showing their readers where York Landing is (the small town RCMP are now searching for the teenage murder suspects.) It features the very famous Canadian landmarks of Qumbec and Montraal. https://t.co/qoWIEPYe1a pic.twitter.com/cFBDhq7I8Q— Mack Lamoureux (@MackLamoureux) July 29, 2019
good work, detective pic.twitter.com/6ojVS2kKk9— Matt Binder (@MattBinder) July 28, 2019
I just want to vote for someone time travelers don't have to kill.— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) July 28, 2019
Whose grandma is this? 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/ouWbU48kFA— David A. Damilola (@iamdamilosky_) July 29, 2019
WRITER: The Wizard Of Oz— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) July 30, 2019
EDITOR: Oz's Wizard
"I'm not like other girls", she said, golden skin shimmering in the summer sun, and she wasn't, she was a rotisserie chicken that I bought, took outside, and performed a small skit with in the parking lot before eating in my car while sobbing loudly— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) July 30, 2019
Marianne Williamson is making history by being the first presidential candidate to be a Kristen Wiig character from 2010.— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 31, 2019
Bernie Sanders' loud yelling scared my beautiful 14 year old son Ryylann so bad that he sneezed while playing Fortnite and managed to throw his vaporizer pen into the television which started a small electrical fire and set off the smoke alarms which scared my 5 golden retrievers— Nic 🌹✨ (@N_JRay) July 31, 2019
y'know back in my day, we just called that "cereal" pic.twitter.com/bxMsZALv7U— Cerealously 🥛 (@cerealouslynet) July 31, 2019
I gotta be honest with you guys it's really funny how much Trump has a vendetta against windmills the single most famous thing a crazy guy can want to fight in crazy guy lore besides a whale.— luke oneil (@lukeoneil47) August 2, 2019
listen i know i have a lame pretentious ass sounding white boy name idk what to tell you. my hispanic mother married a white man and got a taste of that sweet, sweet privilege and wanted me to have it too— Brayden Bauer // (@im_your_density) August 2, 2019
[after sex]— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) August 2, 2019
me: do...do you usually cry during
Batman: *sobbing* NO
Alfred: *holding Batman in his arms* calling him daddy is a trigger
Me: have you been in here the whole time??
Superman: *flies off*— Farai©️ (@AyyItsFarai) August 1, 2019
Wonder Woman: *flies off*
Flash: *already there*
Batman in his bat mobile:
How do I explain to my kids that instead of presents Santa is bringing Mommy and only Mommy to the Raptors game on Christmas?— Kelsea Larry O'Brien (@kelsea_lately) August 2, 2019
This is what everyone looks like at the end of a video when they're stopping the video: pic.twitter.com/olsgC6hQLI— Niccole Thurman (@niccolethurman) August 2, 2019
Tomorrow fixin to feature a brawl in the thunder dome over that Gatorade pic.twitter.com/hCq68w7GZF— Princess Lay Ya 🇺🇸🗽 (@cakickboxher) August 3, 2019
(I am 6 months pregnant)— Jax ⚡️ (@Diamond_Jax) August 2, 2019
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you're pregnant.
Me: I'm... not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that's what you get for giving unsolicited advice.